Five years ago, I started the Wrestling Express brand and even though it started with this website I branched it off to include YouTube and even Twitch. I will admit that I until last month I didn't know I had a Twitch either cause I hadn't touch Twitch since I started the account five years ago and didn't have a reason to even try it again. I always thought that my computer couldn't handle streaming, because it didn't seem to have that ability when I tried it five years ago. Instead of trying to learn how to do it or try figure out if I could actually do it I just gave up.
Earlier in the year I had an unhealthy fixation on finishing my books, and yes I know it's been a long time since I've mentioned the books to anyone and there is a reason. Last year, there really wasn't much to my life other then fixating on the book and trying to the book released. I had very little depth to life or meaning and I think the empty feeling I felt was tied to the fact that I really didn't have anything going on outside of the book. It is for this reason that I felt so lost when I thought when I finished the book, because I felt more empty and I was disappointed in myself for having a life without any depth or interest. I always thought I was never interesting enough for people to care about or want to be around and realizing that outside of the book I had nothing going on made me believe it was true.
I will eventually release both books and know that spending this time holding them back will benefit everyone involved. Shifting all of my attention off the book and onto myself has been decision I could've made, because I found a way to add depth to my day to day. The depth has come in the form of friendships and streaming! I know both things seem normal, but neither of them have common a thread in my life until last month. Last Wednesday I spent four hours streaming over the course of the day which is something i never thought I would be able to do.
I'm extremely grateful for the decisions I've made recently as it has made my life immeasurably better and I see that now. At first I was streaming as hobby just cause some of my friends were doing it and I wanted to try it myself, but last week I actually invested in the concept. I can't put into words how I felt at the end of second stream last Wednesday other than saying it was surreal. I have the best mods on Twitch, because I wouldn't be anywhere without them especially my first mod who is my best friend. I know you may not read this, but before you I had no friends and because of you I have more friends then I ever thought I could have. I'm humbled by the fact that people I barely know are willing to help me learn and get better with streaming it brings tears to my eyes.
I'm not saying that I will end streaming for life, but it definitely has given me a little more of a purpose and it has brought me closer to people. I wanted this year to be different! I needed to rebuild myself this year and I've done more then that in ten months. I've taken a vacation alone, I've found a best friend, I stream, and have found the importance of feeling like I belong somewhere. I finally feel like I know what it means to be grateful!!