It is unquestionable to say that "It easier to push something down and ignore it then acknowledge what is bothering you." For the last few months I've fought with my mental health issues and keeping everything in check. The main way I do this is by pretending it doesn't exist and I know that isn't healthy, but it seemed to work. One day everything would be good to great and other days it would be hard with the only relief being taking a nap and then waking up confused. I know I'm too young to wake up confused! The only part of the day that would give me any relief any reassurance that I was on the right track was when I open Streamlabs and go live then the first comes to stream and it's like a high. It makes me feel like I'm doing something worth while and something that matters.
For the most part this year has been centered around the idea of moving to North Carolina and instead of addressing the stress I ignored it. It wasn't hard to do and I just focused on the idea of moving, but once I came back and decided not to move for financial reasons everything went down the drain. My depression, anxiety, social awkwardness, everything went down hill and what I once had control of wasn't under control anymore. The only time I had control was when I hit live and I focused on entertaining all of you.
In August my computer started going haywire and programs stopped working, my stream would crash almost as often as it would stay running. I considered giving up, because one escape was now gone and I didn't have control any time or in any way. Someone I consider a friend and I hope they consider me the same once told me that "We'd rather you be honest and say your not good then lie to us and pretend like everything is okay." The reason I lied was being in discord talking to my friends was the only time I was getting to escape from the anxiety and the depression. My friends reminded me of my purpose and never let me loose my reason to stay on Twitch and keep streaming.
I knew I would cry writing this but I had to because I wonder how people can willing avoid looking for help. I wonder how people could willingly keep pain, depression, stress, frustration, anxiety, loneliness, and so many other words that describe someone who is hurting inside. But I get it, because it's easier to push something down or hold it in as oppose to acknowledging it. I'm not perfect and I've made a ton of mistakes in my life, but one of the only choices I've made that I can say I'm %100 grateful for is Twitch.
I've been on the ledge more times then I care to count, I've had panic attacks and anxiety induced stories that make me get lost in my mind. The only thing that pulls me back is hitting that live button and being able to spend time with all of you. But Twitch didn't pull me back and going live doesn't pull me away from the ledge.... you do. I know that people have lives and I know we don't see each other all time, but my life has enriched, but everyone I've met both good and bad.
Any one who knows me knows it's to get me to stop talking when I start talking, but there is a reason and that's I want you to know I mean every word I say. I may have my issues, but I will battle back I've done it before and will over and over again. The darkness only wins if you let it win and if you fight then the darkness will fall. I may not understand everything and every problem, but what I do understand is I understand why you keep it under the surface. You don't want to ruin the mood, you don't want to be that person, someone might get uncomfortable, someone might pity you or treat you different or look at you different, any number of reasons I've thought of them all. Not I've heard of them... I myself I've said them like the normal one when someone asks "How are you?"
Everyone says I'm alright or good, but nine out of ten it's lie. I couldn't possibly count the amount of times that I had it on the tip of tongue, but instead I push it down hoping it dies in the end though it always pops up like an evil surprise. My favorite avoidance tact is let me help my friend and focus on them my baggage isn't that bad I can handle myself. I won't keep typing as I could writing has always been cathartic for me. I know that people are there, but I can't get mad when people don't come to me cause I don't look to them so why should I get mad. I'm struggling, but the person next to me is worse let me help them. This isn't feel for me cause I help others, it's not feel for me it's me telling you my story as I want this out and written so it's real and I can try to make myself better.
It's impossible for me not to write an essay here, because of the amount of emotions that are tied into this situation. I appreciate anyone and everyone that has spent even a second in my stream over the last twelve months. It didn't matter if it was one time or your in there every stream vibing with me, I appreciate it. I will never take for granted everything y'all have given me over the last twelves months, because it have allowed me to feel like I've got a purpose. I will keep this short and not go to much into it other then saying thank you!!
Thank you, for helping me reach a year on Twitch! Thank you for helping me find a love of video games I never knew existed, Thank you for the being there! Thank you for giving me a purpose!!
Tonight is about celebration and looking back at the last year on Twitch, seeing how far we've come as a community and where we are going to next. Growing on Twitch is amazing to see, but being able to do it with a community, with friends like mine makes it even better. I don't know how I got this lucky, but I am thankful I was everyday for I don't know where I'd be without all of you. Thank you for everything now let's have a great night celebrating OUR accomplishment!!
I've been thinking about a lot of things in the last few days. Stream has been having a few problems and it has made me extremely frustrated to the point of tears. It's embarrassing! I try and give you the best possible experience that I can and the fact everyone loves the sounds alerts it makes me upset that they aren't working and my poor quality equipment is catching up with me. Recently, my computer has been having issues where various programs aren't working correctly including the streaming software. Which is making it difficult to stream and frustrating me even more.
I have been trying to fill a void inside me for years with anything I possibly could to try and not feel so empty anymore. Twitch has helped me fill that void and for once I don't feel as empty anymore. I feel like Twitch has given me a purpose. You have given me a purpose, but this frustration has made me think that walking away would be the easier decision then fighting. Mentally it's easier to give up then it is to fight sometimes, but fact is this time is different if I give up and walk away close up shop. I will loose something very important.... You!
I've been thinking about writing this for a while and finally decided to write it instead of holding it in. The amount of communities I've been welcomed into and have the pleasure to be a part of it is insane, because I was a stranger and they didn't need to be so welcoming. I always questioned where I fit in and if I would find my place I hope that I found that as member of these communities. Twitch helps you find a place you belong and that's why I'm putting together a documentary. I'm not leaving don't worry this is just something I had to get off my chest. I've been going through a rough patch recently as I may value myself, but I don't always see the value in sharing my problems.
Part of it might be that I've been an audience of one for the longest time and I'm just not use to other people being there to watch my back and prop me back up when I need it. Unfamiliar and it's just easier to fall back into past habits of depending on myself and nobody else. I'm better at messing things up then not and losing, I'm just numb to it at this point that it's nothing new. I just don't want to mess up the only good thing I have right now the only thing that's different is you!! I love you all for what you've given me and I could never put into words how grateful I am for each and every one of you.
Again I am a little behind with giving the spotlight to the "Viewer of the Week" like I had in the first two weeks. Sassy was one of my first followers when I started streaming back in September, and is one of the main reasons I started streaming was due in part to the support from Sassy. Without her support and pushing me to learn more about streaming I'm not sure where the streams would be at this point. Sassy was also the first person given mod on my stream for reasons I mentioned earlier.
I will always credit Sassy for stream getting off the ground as it was her advice and support that helped me early on. As usual the point of "Viewer of the Week" is designed to peek the interest of you the viewer and question exactly what this actually is. At this point it seems like everyone is getting use to the concept of viewer of the week and in some cases people seem to be excited about the opportunity to call themselves "Viewer of the Week." I don't see it as an honor or a special achievement for the viewer to stick out from the pack for a week. The consistency allows people to expect it and that's something I've always wanted to put into action.
Better late than never usually I post this write-up earlier in the week than this, but with other things going on. Last Saturday we had the drawing for the next viewer of the week, and it turned out to be VileWulf aka xosaibby. Vile just returned to Twitch recently after taking a bit of a hiatus from the website to update her set-up and just take a break from streaming. She returned with a new and a renewed purpose for streaming. I found Vile early this year when I was looking for new people to watch on Twitch and was welcomed into her community from the start.
Check out xosaibby right here! Tomorrow we will be drawing the next "Viewer of the Week" and I'm still unsure if I want to bring former winners back yet or just give one more chance to those who have won to be free and clear to win. I do think that with the odds it would be fair to have former winners sit out a few weeks it is just hard to know how many weeks is enough. I think three weeks would be enough, and then they can return to the group. Either way tomorrow will be the next drawing before we start playing Among Us.
The saga continues with our next viewer of the week! They have appeared in chat under many names, but all are similar. The name is YungSkarOfficial, he's almost always in stream especially Minecraft and has been following for a few months at this point from various accounts, so it's tough to really account for the full number. Skar does also stream mostly Rocket League and Minecraft, you can find his most recent stream by following the link. Was going to embed it, but it's not working so just follow the link: YungSkarOfficial
Remember anyone can win the viewer of the week as it is a random drawing and not something I just pick out of the sky. I draw the view of the week every Saturday, and it is designed as a way to raise curiosity in the stream and get some more eyes on the channel. Also, it is a subtle way for me to say thank you to you guys for joining stream everyday just to hang out with me. Drop a follow and join the fun, who knows maybe next week you can be viewer of the week.
Last night I announced the first viewer of the week, and it was Jayden_The_Annimator. Jayden has been following for a few weeks at this point and played Among Us with us a few times. One of the main reasons I am happy that Animator won the viewer of the week is that it gives a viewer that isn't normally seen around stream, so it shows that anyone can win the viewer of the week.
Basically the viewer of the week is an attempt to include you guys more into the stream and show my gratitude to you guys. Viewer of the Week is designed to give the stream some more attention and a unique reason that could get a viewer's attention. Exposure and curiosity is the biggest thing about attention on twitch, but getting eyes on is the biggest step.
I've tried to find unique ways to grow the stream and get more attention on the channel, because for the most part doing different things rather than focusing on doing the same thing everyone else does. I know eventually console streaming will be returning, but if I can offer some advice to new streamers or anyone out there it's be different. Even though it might take longer to stick out it will be worth it to stick out from the pack, because you'll get to where you're going without following the same beaten down road.
I feel like this might've been something to have started a while ago, but I didn't really think about doing it until now. The moment when I hit forty nine followers I started getting goosebumps and honestly got a little emotional. I had no expectations what so ever when I started streaming at the start of September and I honestly thought I'd stop streaming shortly after I started only cause I've never been much of a gamer.
At one point I hated the idea of spending an extended period of time playing one game cause I felt like I was wasting time doing the same thing for a long time. Reality is I never wanted to invest in the idea that others would invest in me. I didn't want to put in the effort as I didn't think it would get me anywhere cause I knew I wasn't good at any games to really make good content. Part of the reason why I kept going with streaming was, because of the support system I have had the pleasure to form.
Honestly, the people around me are the only reason that I've made it this far and will continue to grow. Without the people I have the privilege to call my friends I would not be as entertained or motivated to keep going as much as I do. I appreciate each and every one of them more than they know! Other then the traditional things to be thankful for around Thanksgiving time, but this year I do. I'm thankful for my friends and the fact that I'm fortunate enough to call them friends.
I decided to branch out of my shell and let other people get to know me and that has been the best decision I could've made. I know I've put a lot of emphasis on the impact my friends has had on me, but it is impossible to put into words the impact they've had on me. I've never been good at being comfortable with other people family or non family, but I'm getting better at being comfortable. I've hated myself, loathed myself, didn't think much of myself, and in turn thought why would anyone think much of me.
I'm being honest for the first time about how I view myself and I would be willing to tell this story in any medium that is needed to help others understand that even in darkness there is an ending. It's been a rough time and I honestly embraced the darkness at one point cause I thought it wasn't worth fighting. I thought it was destiny to always be depressed, unfulfilled, and empty inside. The main reason I'm grateful to my friends is that Twitch has given me a purpose or the feeling of being a little more fulfilled. I firmly believe I would not have the same feeling without the support system I have and friends that have let me into their circle. The time will come when I have hit affiliate and it will be as surreal as I think it is now. Reality is though it will be all thanks to you!!
At this point I'm still trying to figure out the best way to balance streaming and finding new games to share with you on stream. I don't want to over do playing some games which has made it hard to find some games to play on certain nights. I will admit that I was leaning very heavily on console gaming and instead of finding new games to play on PC I used not being able to play console as an excuse. This is the price to pay from sharing a system with a sibling, but this is why I'm leaning toward investing in a capture card to stream other console games.
Yesterday afternoon, I streamed Minecraft for the first time and it went shockingly well for a game that I didn't have much expectations for the game or stream. I've wanted to find an easy game to turn to when I need something to stream. In one stream it is clear I have a lot to learn about how to play Minecraft. I've been thinking about playing this game for years at this point and I'm happy that I finally gave it a chance. One game I'm not sure if I will be giving a chance to is Warframe as I don't know if it really is my type of game. On the other hand we will be joining the Call of Duty world to stream Black Ops III in the near future. I'm not sure if I will head online for COD, but I will start with a play through of the story mode.
Last night I put together the longest stream I have ever done at 3 hours and 40 minutes the main reason that happened is the people that came into watch the stream and hang with me. I hit a record high with 10 viewers last night and I didn't even know we did until it was pointed out to me. It is amazing to me that last night went the way that it did, because I would've never expected it to happen!!
As some of you might know Among Us has been my go to game for the channel since I started playing the game two months ago. It is not only my favorite game, but it is an easy game to run on my computer that can be hit or miss when it comes to games running smoothly. I was shocked to see though that the record high in viewers came on Among Us and not when we switched to Quiplash. After careful consideration as well I named two new mods mainly as a way to make sure that I have someone in stream to maintain chat even if it's multiple people at the same time.
By the end of the night, I noticed that I got two new followers and now hit the nice round number of forty followers. I was dumbfounded by this, because now this means we are only ten followers from the pesky number fifty. I honestly never thought I would get half of that number let alone this close to fifty. I never had expectations when it came to streaming I was just trying something new and wasn't sure what would happen, but everything that has happened has far superseded my wildest thoughts. I will say when that day comes and we reach the destination it will be all thanks you and the support you've shown me from the start. If you put in the time and really do it for the fun of doing as oppose to hoping or expecting a lot to happen quick then the moment you want to happen will happen. I'm proof of that!!