I've been thinking about a lot of things in the last few days. Stream has been having a few problems and it has made me extremely frustrated to the point of tears. It's embarrassing! I try and give you the best possible experience that I can and the fact everyone loves the sounds alerts it makes me upset that they aren't working and my poor quality equipment is catching up with me. Recently, my computer has been having issues where various programs aren't working correctly including the streaming software. Which is making it difficult to stream and frustrating me even more.
I have been trying to fill a void inside me for years with anything I possibly could to try and not feel so empty anymore. Twitch has helped me fill that void and for once I don't feel as empty anymore. I feel like Twitch has given me a purpose. You have given me a purpose, but this frustration has made me think that walking away would be the easier decision then fighting. Mentally it's easier to give up then it is to fight sometimes, but fact is this time is different if I give up and walk away close up shop. I will loose something very important.... You!
I've been thinking about writing this for a while and finally decided to write it instead of holding it in. The amount of communities I've been welcomed into and have the pleasure to be a part of it is insane, because I was a stranger and they didn't need to be so welcoming. I always questioned where I fit in and if I would find my place I hope that I found that as member of these communities. Twitch helps you find a place you belong and that's why I'm putting together a documentary. I'm not leaving don't worry this is just something I had to get off my chest. I've been going through a rough patch recently as I may value myself, but I don't always see the value in sharing my problems.
Part of it might be that I've been an audience of one for the longest time and I'm just not use to other people being there to watch my back and prop me back up when I need it. Unfamiliar and it's just easier to fall back into past habits of depending on myself and nobody else. I'm better at messing things up then not and losing, I'm just numb to it at this point that it's nothing new. I just don't want to mess up the only good thing I have right now the only thing that's different is you!! I love you all for what you've given me and I could never put into words how grateful I am for each and every one of you.
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