My Summer

Dear Readers, 

It is unquestionable to say that "It easier to push something down and ignore it then acknowledge what is bothering you." For the last few months I've fought with my mental health issues and keeping everything in check. The main way I do this is by pretending it doesn't exist and I know that isn't healthy, but it seemed to work. One day everything would be good to great and other days it would be hard with the only relief being taking a nap and then waking up confused. I know I'm too young to wake up confused! The only part of the day that would give me any relief any reassurance that I was on the right track was when I open Streamlabs and go live then the first comes to stream and it's like a high. It makes me feel like I'm doing something worth while and something that matters. 

​For the most part this year has been centered around the idea of moving to North Carolina and instead of addressing the stress I ignored it. It wasn't hard to do and I just focused on the idea of moving, but once I came back and decided not to move for financial reasons everything went down the drain. My depression, anxiety, social awkwardness, everything went down hill and what I once had control of wasn't under control anymore. The only time I had control was when I hit live and I focused on entertaining all of you. 

In August my computer started going haywire and programs stopped working, my stream would crash almost as often as it would stay running. I considered giving up, because one escape was now gone and I didn't have control any time or in any way. Someone I consider a friend and I hope they consider me the same once told me that "We'd rather you be honest and say your not good then lie to us and pretend like everything is okay." The reason I lied was being in discord talking to my friends was the only time I was getting to escape from the anxiety and the depression. My friends reminded me of my purpose and never let me loose my reason to stay on Twitch and keep streaming. 

I knew I would cry writing this but I had to because I wonder how people can willing avoid looking for help. I wonder how people could willingly keep pain, depression, stress, frustration, anxiety, loneliness, and so many other words that describe someone who is hurting inside. But I get it, because it's easier to push something down or hold it in as oppose to acknowledging it. I'm not perfect and I've made a ton of mistakes in my life, but one of the only choices I've made that I can say I'm %100 grateful for is Twitch. 

I've been on the ledge more times then I care to count, I've had panic attacks and anxiety induced stories that make me get lost in my mind. The only thing that pulls me back is hitting that live button and being able to spend time with all of you. But Twitch didn't pull me back and going live doesn't pull me away from the ledge.... you do. I know that people have lives and I know we don't see each other all time, but my life has enriched, but everyone I've met both good and bad. 

Any one who knows me knows it's to get me to stop talking when I start talking, but there is a reason and that's I want you to know I mean every word I say. I may have my issues, but I will battle back I've done it before and will over and over again. The darkness only wins if you let it win and if you fight then the darkness will fall. I may not understand everything and every problem, but what I do understand is I understand why you keep it under the surface. You don't want to ruin the mood, you don't want to be that person, someone might get uncomfortable, someone might pity you or treat you different or look at you different, any number of reasons I've thought of them all. Not I've heard of them... I myself I've said them like the normal one when someone asks "How are you?" 

Everyone says I'm alright or good, but nine out of ten it's lie. I couldn't possibly count the amount of times that I had it on the tip of tongue, but instead I push it down hoping it dies in the end though it always pops up like an evil surprise. My favorite avoidance tact is let me help my friend and focus on them my baggage isn't that bad I can handle myself. I won't keep typing as I could writing has always been cathartic for me. I know that people are there, but I can't get mad when people don't come to me cause I don't look to them so why should I get mad. I'm struggling, but the person next to me is worse let me help them. This isn't feel for me cause I help others, it's not feel for me it's me telling you my story as I want this out and written so it's real and I can try to make myself better.