Around two years ago I was going through a personal battle with depression and just doubting my ability in general. This doesn't have any tied to money or anything like that as it was just dissatisfaction with life in general which is something that has been happening for the last couple of years. Now don't get me wrong things have gotten better over the last couple of years and just recently things have been shaking back. The depression comes and goes but is really always there just a little more controlled now then it had been in the past. I haven't had doubts about writing anymore ever since and it does provide mental clarity and relaxation for me now when I write which wasn't there before. Seeing the stats and the amount of people that read the articles that I put on the site and put together every day. You all make it very worth it to do this and I think that in realizing write for others is the thing that makes it worth it.
I know that last month was Mental Health Awareness month, but I wasn't feeling anything really negative last month. However, there are multiple reasons that I decided to save for right now instead partially due to the anniversary of the last letter I wrote two years ago. For me depression makes it very hard to do things or believe that positive stuff could happen to me even if it's like a forgone conclusion that something good will happen. The thing that not many people understand is that when you have depression or anxiety or other mental health issues sometimes logical thought isn't always present. For this reason even though I have been thinking a lot more logically in recent months and that has really helped with my mental health being a little more clear. But that doesn't mean that logic is always present and that is normally the days when the depression is present.
I'm aware of the ways to quote "fix it" but I've done it and if anything it just masks the issue and it doesn't fix it. This is the reason that surrounding yourself with good people, positive people, supportive people is so important because it makes you more positive. I've noticed that in me as I compare how I am with positive people as opposed to negative people and it's quite the difference. But right now I have to be up for work at 10:30AM and it's currently 3:15 in the morning and though I might be tired I knew I had to write this and be honest about my issues.
For me it isn't a battle to get out of bed some days, my battle is believing in myself, my battle is thinking that good things could happen to me. The reason I don't believe that good things could happen to me is because I genuinely don't remember the last time I was happy. I know the last time I was content but happy I couldn't tell you at all. Fact is if your sitting there reading this and feeling bad don't cause pity goes nowhere but being supportive that goes somewhere. Overall I am trying to be more positive and trying to believe in myself more, but its hard when some days you wonder why you even bother to try. My message here is the battle is worth fighting especially when you know your not alone in the fight and you have support to help you through it. Thank you for giving me the platform to be honest and real with you all and I know I haven't said this in a long time but without you guys and gals this wouldn't not be as fun as it is.
If you'd like to check out the letter from two years ago click here